Bill Faris Christian Counseling: Your Partner in Mental Health

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 Refuge Marriage Communication Class – Six Meetings

Weekly, Beginning April 15, 2026

Week One Theme: Marital Communication Overview

Introduction:

One of the most common ways people describe the trouble in their marriage is: “we don’t talk anymore”. 

When I hear this, I know two things: 

1. Of course they talk – that is, they exchange sounds or words in each other’s general direction. “We don’t talk anymore” is describing something else.

2. What they are describing is “disconnection”. Attempts to reconnect too often produce conflicts, resurrect hurts, and reinforce their fear that they are stuck for good.

- This gets expressed in statements like:

· “Why can’t you stop bringing up the past?”

· “I don’t feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with you.”

· “We each have “no fly zones” – topics we cannot bring up without fighting or hurting each other.”

· “My spouse is too emotional.”

· “My spouse never shares their real emotions.”

And so on… 

So, the disconnection continues. Communication is limited to “reporting data” such as “what time are you home?” “Who’s driving Tommy to his baseball game?” “Did you pay the electric bill?” 

This is sad. But what is even sadder is when this kind of communication breakdown becomes an open door for another “someone” to step into the gap – someone who “gets me”. Someone who doesn’t criticize me. Someone who I work with, someone I used to date. Someone I met online or at a community get-together. 

Now, instead of rebuilding connection with their spouse (too much trouble), this person can connect emotionally or romantically with the substitute who makes them feel safe, valuable, and “heard”. 

And so, like the check engine light on a dashboard, our need to communicate can signal us to pull the marriage over, lift up the hood, and 

see where the underlying trouble lies.

Good Communication is Also a Signal

By contrast, good communication is a source of marriage enrichment. 

Proverbs 12:18 tells us “the tongue of the wise brings healing”.

Proverbs 16:24 reads: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

GOOD COMMUNICATION CONNECTS

Couples who SPEAK their love are more connected.

Couples who SPEAK their gratitude are more connected. 

Couples who COMPLIMENT and PRAISE their partner promote closer connections.

Marriage partners who communicate well solve problems better, create a culture of love and affirmation in their home, provide each other with a trusted partner and companion, and – ultimately – glorify God by fulfilling their destiny as those “whom God has joined together”!

For these reasons and others, I AM CALLING THIS CLASS: 

“COMMUNICATION: KEY TO YOUR MARRIAGE.” So, let’s take a moment to look ahead.

LOOKING AHEAD – 

We could view the topic of communication from many different angles, but the distinctions I will be utilizing for this class are: 

· EFFECTIVE communication.

· INEFFECTIVE communication. 

Please note: ALL couples practice both kinds! 

My hope is that this class will help you, as a couple, to RAISE the percentage of your EFFECTIVE communication and LOWER the percentage of your INEFFECTIVE communication habits, practices, and skills. 

Along the way…

· We will learn about the Five Levels of Communication and Connecting and what factors enable (or prevent us) from successfully going to the deeper levels of communication intimacy.

· We will learn how to Protect Our Connection and Build Trust (which is the currency of connection). This will include an examination of nonverbal as well as verbal communication elements.

· We will become acquainted with the so-called “relational circuitry” God has designed into our neuro-systems including the “Joy Switch” and “Enemy Mode”. 

· We will improve our Conflict Resolution Skills by learning (among other things) the Four Cs of Confrontation, the Four Modes of Conflict Resolution, and the so-called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

· We will learn how to make and relive Warm Emotional Memories and how to understand Sexual Intimacy as a form of communication.

· Our Final Meeting will feature a potluck, feedback and sharing, Q & A and any final wrap up thoughts. 

ALONG THE WAY, we will take a break from one of our class meeting times to join the church for May’s all-church night of praise and worship.

TONIGHT

I said earlier that our goal will be to help couples improve their ability to deliver EFFECTIVE communication. That’s because sometimes, even when we mean well, we can really “miss it” with our communication. 

· Take this poor fellow, for example. His attempt to communicate value to his wife tragically put him in the Doghouse! Husbands: don’t let this happen to you…

(Doghouse Video)

Let’s look more closely at the term, communication: 

Definition – “Communication focuses on how people use messages to generate meanings within and across various contexts.” (National Communication Association)

· TALKING is just one form of communication. Other modes include writing, sharing music, portraying nonverbal messages, body language, and so on.

In this class, I am going to focus on TWO kinds of communication.

· Effective communication – My messages generate the meanings I intend and, if possible, produce the responses I desire.

(The plane that took off from myairport is the same plane that landed at your airport).

Example: “I feel we are drifting apart and my hope is that you want to get close again. Can we talk about that?”

· Ineffectivecommunication – My messages fail to generate the meanings I intend.

(The plane that took off from my airport crashed midflight, or morphed into a different plane upon arrival, or found that your airport was not open, or ran out of runway, or…).

Example: “I feel we are drifting apart and I want us to be close… and if you really cared you’d DO SOMETHING to prove it -- but, no, you’ll probably just turn me off and watch YOUR STUPID GAME while I sit here feeling stuck and alone…THANKS A LOT!”

Just as it takes skill to successfully pilot an airplane, EFFECTIVE communication depends on mastering specific skills, many of which come from Scripture. 

EFFECTIVE communication is not automatic

EFFECTIVE communication requires skill.

* * * * 

Focus on the Husband – I Peter 3:7

I Peter 3:7 calls husbands to learn to communicate effectively with their wives. Quoting this verse in the Amplified Version will help us gain a robust sense of the need for us to learn certain skills if we are going to do so:

“In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.”

“…in an understanding way…”

“…with great gentleness and tact…”

“…with an intelligent regard…” 

* * * * 

Let’s make some observations about the distinguishing features of both EFFECTIVE and INEFFECTIVE communication. 

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

· Fosters Connection 

· Resolves Conflict

· Promotes Alignment of Purpose

· Coordinates Efforts

· Empowers Decisions

· Relieves Loneliness 

· Heals, Clarifies, Builds Trust

· Harnesses the Power of Partnership

INNEFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

· Fosters Winner-Loser Debates

· Escalates Conflict

· “Pulls Rank” to Force Decisions

· Weaponizes the Past, Threatens the Future

· Wrongly Involves Outsiders (Parents, Offspring, Friends, etc.)

· Erodes Trust

· Reinforces “Enemy Mode” and Defensiveness

Effective Marital Communication is a SKILL and an ART.

· It is non-anxious (I genuinely want to hear from you before I weigh in).

1. It PRIORITIZES listening and understanding before responding – we both feel “heard”.

· It is holistic (Sure, the “data” matters, but so do things like tone, intensity, body posture, underlying beliefs, etc).

· I represent my real thoughts, feelings, and perspective with honesty while also honoring you.

· It TAKES INTO ACCOUNT factors such as time, place, means, power differentials.

- It “inserts the truth” into an “atmosphere of love” (Eph. 4:15)

THE RESULT IS A MARITAL CULTURE OF “SHALOM”

Safety, Hearing, Adaptability, Love, Openness, Managed Emotions

- Safety – making it safe for our spouse to be vulnerable and heard. (“I feel safe to share my feelings, perspectives, and intimacies.”) 

- Hearing – ensuring that our spouse knows the messages they are sending are getting through. (“I will endeavor to help you feel ‘heard’.”)

- Adaptability – a willingness to adapt and adjust to find workable solutions to perpetual or persistent problems. (“I’m not so in love with my way of thinking that I cannot consider loving yours.”)

- Love – I Corinthians 13 kind of love. Substitute the words “good communication” for “love” or “charity” in the first eight verses and you’ll see how this works in marital communication.

- Openness – Body language and tone that sends the message: “I am open to your input and I value your perspective” (“You

- Manage Emotions – I will modulate my intensity, volume, frustration and other emotional expressions in order to keep channels open for us to communicate (and, if I can’t, I will propose we take a break until I can).