Bill Faris Christian Counseling: Your Partner in Mental Health

Week one notes

Introduction

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – Six Meetings

Weekly, Beginning April 15, 2026

Week One Theme: Marital Communication Overview

Introduction:

One of the most common ways people describe the trouble in their marriage is: “we don’t talk anymore”.

When I hear this, I know two things:

1. Of course they talk – that is, they exchange sounds or words in each other’s general direction. “We don’t talk anymore” is describing something else.

2. What they are describing is “disconnection”. Attempts to reconnect too often produce conflicts, resurrect hurts, and reinforce their fear that they are stuck for good.

- This gets expressed in statements like:

· “Why can’t you stop bringing up the past?”

· “I don’t feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with you.”

· “We each have “no fly zones” – topics we cannot bring up without fighting or hurting each other.”

· “My spouse is too emotional.”

· “My spouse never shares their real emotions.”

And so on…

So, the disconnection continues. Communication is limited to “reporting data” such as “what time are you home?” “Who’s driving Tommy to his baseball game?” “Did you pay the electric bill?”

This is sad. But what is even sadder is when this kind of communication breakdown becomes an open door for another “someone” to step into the gap – someone who “gets me”. Someone who doesn’t criticize me. Someone who I work with, someone I used to date. Someone I met online or at a community get-together.

Now, instead of rebuilding connection with their spouse (too much trouble), this person can connect emotionally or romantically with the substitute who makes them feel safe, valuable, and “heard”.

And so, like the check engine light on a dashboard, our need to communicate can signal us to pull the marriage over, lift up the hood, and

see where the underlying trouble lies.

Good Communication is Also a Signal

By contrast, good communication is a source of marriage enrichment.

Proverbs 12:18 tells us “the tongue of the wise brings healing”.

Proverbs 16:24 reads: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

GOOD COMMUNICATION CONNECTS

Couples who SPEAK their love are more connected.

Couples who SPEAK their gratitude are more connected.

Couples who COMPLIMENT and PRAISE their partner promote closer connections.

Marriage partners who communicate well solve problems better, create a culture of love and affirmation in their home, provide each other with a trusted partner and companion, and – ultimately – glorify God by fulfilling their destiny as those “whom God has joined together”!

For these reasons and others, I AM CALLING THIS CLASS:

“COMMUNICATION: KEY TO YOUR MARRIAGE.” So, let’s take a moment to look ahead.

LOOKING AHEAD –

We could view the topic of communication from many different angles, but the distinctions I will be utilizing for this class are:

· EFFECTIVE communication.

· INEFFECTIVE communication.

Please note: ALL couples practice both kinds!

My hope is that this class will help you, as a couple, to RAISE the percentage of your EFFECTIVE communication and LOWER the percentage of your INEFFECTIVE communication habits, practices, and skills.

Along the way…

· We will learn about the Five Levels of Communication and Connecting and what factors enable (or prevent us) from successfully going to the deeper levels of communication intimacy.

· We will learn how to Protect Our Connection and Build Trust (which is the currency of connection). This will include an examination of nonverbal as well as verbal communication elements.

· We will become acquainted with the so-called “relational circuitry” God has designed into our neuro-systems including the “Joy Switch” and “Enemy Mode”.

· We will improve our Conflict Resolution Skills by learning (among other things) the Four Cs of Confrontation, the Four Modes of Conflict Resolution, and the so-called Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

· We will learn how to make and relive Warm Emotional Memories and how to understand Sexual Intimacy as a form of communication.

· Our Final Meeting will feature a potluck, feedback and sharing, Q & A and any final wrap up thoughts.

ALONG THE WAY, we will take a break from one of our class meeting times to join the church for May’s all-church night of praise and worship.

TONIGHT

I said earlier that our goal will be to help couples improve their ability to deliver EFFECTIVE communication. That’s because sometimes, even when we mean well, we can really “miss it” with our communication.

· Take this poor fellow, for example. His attempt to communicate value to his wife tragically put him in the Doghouse! Husbands: don’t let this happen to you…

(Doghouse Video)

Let’s look more closely at the term, communication:

Definition – “Communication focuses on how people use messages to generate meanings within and across various contexts.” (National Communication Association)

· TALKING is just one form of communication. Other modes include writing, sharing music, portraying nonverbal messages, body language, and so on.

In this class, I am going to focus on TWO kinds of communication.

· Effective communication – My messages generate the meanings I intend and, if possible, produce the responses I desire.

(The plane that took off from myairport is the same plane that landed at your airport).

Example: “I feel we are drifting apart and my hope is that you want to get close again. Can we talk about that?”

· Ineffectivecommunication – My messages fail to generate the meanings I intend.

(The plane that took off from my airport crashed midflight, or morphed into a different plane upon arrival, or found that your airport was not open, or ran out of runway, or…).

Example: “I feel we are drifting apart and I want us to be close… and if you really cared you’d DO SOMETHING to prove it -- but, no, you’ll probably just turn me off and watch YOUR STUPID GAME while I sit here feeling stuck and alone…THANKS A LOT!”

Just as it takes skill to successfully pilot an airplane, EFFECTIVE communication depends on mastering specific skills, many of which come from Scripture.

EFFECTIVE communication is not automatic

EFFECTIVE communication requires skill.

* * * *

Focus on the Husband – I Peter 3:7

I Peter 3:7 calls husbands to learn to communicate effectively with their wives. Quoting this verse in the Amplified Version will help us gain a robust sense of the need for us to learn certain skills if we are going to do so:

“In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.”

“…in an understanding way…”

“…with great gentleness and tact…”

“…with an intelligent regard…”

* * * *

Let’s make some observations about the distinguishing features of both EFFECTIVE and INEFFECTIVE communication.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

· Fosters Connection

· Resolves Conflict

· Promotes Alignment of Purpose

· Coordinates Efforts

· Empowers Decisions

· Relieves Loneliness

· Heals, Clarifies, Builds Trust

· Harnesses the Power of Partnership

INNEFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

· Fosters Winner-Loser Debates

· Escalates Conflict

· “Pulls Rank” to Force Decisions

· Weaponizes the Past, Threatens the Future

· Wrongly Involves Outsiders (Parents, Offspring, Friends, etc.)

· Erodes Trust

· Reinforces “Enemy Mode” and Defensiveness

Effective Marital Communication is a SKILL and an ART.

· It is non-anxious (I genuinely want to hear from you before I weigh in).

1. It PRIORITIZES listening and understanding before responding – we both feel “heard”.

· It is holistic (Sure, the “data” matters, but so do things like tone, intensity, body posture, underlying beliefs, etc).

· I represent my real thoughts, feelings, and perspective with honesty while also honoring you.

· It TAKES INTO ACCOUNT factors such as time, place, means, power differentials.

- It “inserts the truth” into an “atmosphere of love” (Eph. 4:15)

THE RESULT IS A MARITAL CULTURE OF “SHALOM”

Safety, Hearing, Adaptability, Love, Openness, Managed Emotions

- Safety – making it safe for our spouse to be vulnerable and heard. (“I feel safe to share my feelings, perspectives, and intimacies.”)

- Hearing – ensuring that our spouse knows the messages they are sending are getting through. (“I will endeavor to help you feel ‘heard’.”)

- Adaptability – a willingness to adapt and adjust to find workable solutions to perpetual or persistent problems. (“I’m not so in love with my way of thinking that I cannot consider loving yours.”)

- Love – I Corinthians 13 kind of love. Substitute the words “good communication” for “love” or “charity” in the first eight verses and you’ll see how this works in marital communication.

- Openness – Body language and tone that sends the message: “I am open to your input and I value your perspective” (“You

- Manage Emotions – I will modulate my intensity, volume, frustration and other emotional expressions in order to keep channels open for us to communicate (and, if I can’t, I will propose we take a break until I can).

Bill Faris Christian Counseling: Your Partner in Mental Health

communication: Key to your marriage, class 2

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – April – May 2026

Week Two Theme: Your “Meta” Message and SHALOM Skills

Our focus is how to communicate effectively in your marriage and how doing so is the key to connecting and thriving as a couple and family.

In this session, I want us to “pull the camera back” a bit and ask some very “important questions about the big picture, overall message you are sending your spouse. I call this your “Metamessage”. What is a Metamessage?

YOUR METAMESSAGE IS YOUR CORE MESSAGE – THE MESSAGE YOU SEND IN WAYS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE AWARE OF.

Example of a POSITIVE Metamessage:

Jay Leno:

Jay has been married to his wife, Mavis, since 1980 – about 45 years.

After many active years together, Mavis now suffers from an advancing case of dementia that has totally changed her life and their life together.

So, how has Jay responded to his wife’s combination of reduced capacity and increased need of care, reassurance, and unconditional love?

“I ENJOY TAKING CARE OF HER”, he says.

- They can’t really have a conversation.

- They can’t really go out in public together for a meal or a date.

- Much of her communication is to point at something – since she lacks vocabulary – and look to Jay for assurance that everything’s okay.

Jay Leno’s Metamessage is: “I’m here for you. I enjoy taking care of you. We’ll finish this part of the path together”.

Jay’s Metamessage shows up in a broad array of Minimessages: “Let me get that for you.” “Everything’s Okay.”

It shows up in the tenderness of his affection, the way he spends quality time to be with her instead of with other places, people, and opportunities.

It’s quite a story.

That’s an example of a positive Metamessage that is then expressed in a multitude of Minimessages.

* * *

But not all Metamessages are like this. (Susan’s story – “You’d look really good in my picture.”

One spouse’s Metamessage communication to the other = “How lucky are you to be in my world!”

When that is the Metamessage, Minimessages such as shows of “generosity”, “indulgence”, “spoiling” and love get lost behind the Metamessage – “Look how good you look in my picture!”

A spouse will tell me (their counselor) – "Sure, he does all these extravagant things for me but I get the feeling that his agenda is to impress people, show off, with me as his window dressing."

* * * *

In The Beginning

In the beginning, on our wedding day, we set up a very specific Metamessage to each other, by design. That Metamessage is called “MY WEDDING VOWS”.

The message was probably framed something like this:

“I choose you to be my beloved…”

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish and – forsaking all others – I shall keep myself to you, and to you only, until God shall separate us by death”.

In simple terms, the Metamessages start out as:

“I’m all in.”

“I’m for you.”

“Count on me.”

“Your heart is safe with me”

TIME WILL TEST THOSE METAMESSAGES and either REINFORCE them or CHIP AWAY AT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE ALTERED OR EXTINCT.

When it comes to Jay Leno, it would seem – from the outside – that time has refined and reinforced his vows.

In other cases, those initial Metamessages become eroded and change into messages like:

“I resent you.”

“You’re not enough.”

“I’m open to other options.”

How does this happen? How do we go from a Metamessage of positivity, faithfulness, forbearance, service, and companionship to one of those other Metamessages that peek through whether or not we are aware of it?

I BELIEVE, in most cases, THE ANSWER COMES DOWN TO WHAT ONE AUTHOR CALLS: “Creeping Separateness”.

- Slowly, but surely, a couple can lose touch, stop connecting, build resentment, bury pain and disappointment deep in their souls.

- Like two boats at sea, they can slowly drift apart – pulled away by responsibilities, distractions, temptations, spiritual lethargy, disappointments and betrayals large and small.

THEN comes a crisis!

- Infidelity

- Financial reversal

- Secrets that finally surface

- Complete breakdown of sexual intimacy

And so on

This is the “wake up call” that causes the couple to recaognize how disconnected or even opposed to one another they’ve slowly become.

Their Instagram page had been sending one message, but – behind the scenes – the REAL Metamessage turns out to be: “We are broken – maybe beyond repair”.

SOOOOO…. What’s the antidote to Creeping Separateness?

QUALITY CONNECTING or, as we will see, Level 3,4, and 5 communications.

(Break…)

* * * *

THE FIVE LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION (AND WHY GOING DEEPER MATTERS).

The FIVE LEVELS of Communication

1. Trite Talk

2. Reporting

3. Sharing Points-of-View, Ideas, Beliefs

4. Sharing Feelings

5. Intimate Communication

(The deeper you go, the more SHALOM skills you’ll need – we’ll get to that later).

· What’s so great about deeper levels of communication? Why seek to go deeper with my spouse?

1. GOING DEEPER = CONNECTING MORE OFTEN, MORE THOROUGHLY, and MORE SUCCESSFULLY.

2. THE STRONGER OUR CONNECTION, THE MORE EMPOWERED OUR PARTNERSHIP BECOMES.

3. AN EMPOWERED PARTNERSHIP SHOWS A LOT OF CONSISTENCY BETWEEN THE POSITIVE AND DEVOTED METAMESSAGES AND THE SMALLER MINIMESSAGES THAT FOLLOW.

Deeper Communication Practices Upgrade Our…

- Power to make decisions

- Power to solve problems

- Power to establish and sustain godly values

- Power to glorify God “as one”!

* * * * *

How to Successfully GO TO DEEPER LEVELS (3,4, and 5) OF CONNECTING AND COMMUNICATION…

· USE SHALOM SKILLS TO KEEP RELATIONAL CHANNELS OPEN:

- Safety – making it safe for our spouse to be vulnerable and heard. (“I feel safe to share my feelings, perspectives, and intimacies.”)

- Hearing – ensuring that our spouse knows the messages they are sending are getting through. (“I will endeavor to help you feel ‘heard’.”) James 1:19 “SLOW to speak, QUICK to listen”

Ephesians 4:3 – “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”)

- Openness – Body language and tone that sends the message: “I am open to your input and I value your perspective”

- Manage Emotions – I will modulate my intensity, volume, frustration and other emotional expressions to keep channels open for us to communicate (and, if I can’t, I will propose we take a break until I can. “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” (Prov. 25:28).

2 Short Videos of Mine on Keeping Channels Open:

Video Review of the Five Levels of Communication:

Bill Faris Five Levels of Communication - YouTube

Video on Keeping the Channels Open

Bill Faris Don't Derail Your Chance to Connect - YouTube

SHALOM SKILLS WILL HELP YOU AVOID THE TWO ENEMIES OF DEEPER COMMUNICATION: Attempts to FIX or CONVERT our spouse without their consent.

Empowering You to Achieve Happiness

Week 3

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – April – May 2026

Week Three: The Joy Switch and Enemy Mode

THE BRAIN’S RELATIONAL CIRCUITS

Human Beings are made in the image of God who IS HIMSELF a relationship (Father, Son, Holy Spirit).

Is it any wonder, then, that we crave connection and relationship with others – but not just ANY others – but, most especially, with people who are “glad to be with me”.

Therefore, as our Master Designer, The Lord has equipped us with relational circuitry that is not only spiritual but also neurological and social.

When our relational circuitry is “open”, it:

· Enhancesconnection with those who we experience as “glad to be with us”.

Psalm 133 – The Oil of Joy (Psalm 61:3) dripping down when “brethren dwell together in unity” (when they are “glad to be with” one another. It is “lifegiving” – (v.3)

Romans, Chapter 16 is largely a Roll Call of people in Rome to whom Paul is sending affectionate greetings. After naming them, he goes on to describe some of them as “dear” or “very dear” to him.

And, in the case of the mother of Rufus, he greets her as someone who is “like a mother to me also”.

This is how we speak of people who are “glad to be with us” – people with whom we feel a strong connection. When we speak POSITIVELY and WARMLY about our spouse, we help the relational circuits between us to remain OPEN.

THEREFORE…

It is EFFECTIVE for us to communicate with our spouse in ways that OPENS their relationship circuitry. It is INEFFECTIVE to communicate in ways that overwhelm or shut down their relational circuits. I had to learn this lesson myself…(“Stop yelling at me” – R)

** Circuit OPENERS

Speaking or writing our affections, regards, and respect for our spouse.

Examples of Affectionate Greetings in the New Testament:

Speaking Affectionately and Appreciatively of Our Warm Connection (expressing it clearly in word or writing).

Phil. 1:3 – “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

2 Tim. 1:4 – “I long to see you that I may be filled with joy.”

Rom. 1:11, 12 – “I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.”

- One of the “superpowers” Robin and I share in our marriage is the way we say out loud “I love you” and “thank you” – often several times a day – most every day.

Physical Touch and Affection – Such as a Friendly Kiss and / or Appropriate Embrace

2 Cor. 13:12 – “Greet one another with a holy (chaste and nonerotic) kiss.”

In marriage, it is not EFFECTIVE to seek sexual intimacy with our spouse when their relationship circuits are shut down. It is EFFECTIVE to seek intimacy when our spouse’s relational circuitry is lit up with messages of our friendship, respect, safety, and love.

· Specific Celebration and Honor of My Spouse

Rom. 12:10 – "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

I Thess. 5:11 – “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Rom. 14:19 – “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

Romans 16 – includes honoring statements such as how they “worked very hard”, were “faithful”, or are “my dear friend”,

· Hospitality (Making the Environment Send an “I’m glad to be with you” message).

- Sharing a Meal

Acts 2:42 – “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.”

- Sharing “Refreshment”

Song of Solomon 2:5 – “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.”

- Elevating each other’s well-being in practical and spiritual ways:

Romans 15:2 - “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”

· Gifts

- A Well-timed, Thoughtful Gift

Proverbs 18:16 - “A gift opens the way and ushers the giver into the presence of the great.”

EVIDENCE of OPEN CIRCUITS

This evidence that this circuitry is open (Joy Switch = “On”) includes:

- Joy (“In His presence there is fullness of joy…” Psalm 16:11)

- Rest (“Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls” – Matt. 11:29).

I Corinthians 13…

- Vulnerability (“It is not proud…”)

- Trust (“It does not envy, it does not boast...”)

- Receptivity(Give-and-Take)

- Appreciation (“Rejoices with the truth…”)

- Servant Attitude (“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…”)

- Generosity(Kindness) “Love is patient, love is kind…”

Physical:

- Eye contact

- Sexual Intimacy

Pop Music Example of a Couple with Open Relational Circuits

“Thank You for Being a Friend” – Andrew Gold

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant

I'm not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off
Won't you stand up and take a bow

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say
"Thank you for being a friend."

And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear
I will stand real close and say
Thank you for being a friend!

* * * * * (Break)

**INHIBITORS / CLOSERS

Some behaviors, practices, and attitudes promote open relational circuitry while others inhibit connection by CLOSING them. Let’s look at some of these.

Aggression (Emotional or Physical)

Aggressive attitudes and behaviors towards our spouse are INEFFECTIVE, ABUSIVE, and INAPPROPRIATE communication behaviors.

- They will trigger their “fight / flight / freeze” self-protection instincts.

- They may revive previous experiences of threat or trauma

- They are incongruent with God’s Word –

Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Eph. 4:31,32 – “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”.

Stonewalling / Withholding / Stinginess

Starving our spouse emotionally, physically, or spiritually is not an EFFECTIVE strategy for conflict resolution. Dr. Gottman refers to Stonewalling as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in his relationship model.

Stonewalling is a signal of a marriage in crisis.

- Ephesians 4:15 – “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

- Col. 4:6 – “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Hidden or Open Sin

Whether open or hidden, my commitment to maintaining sinful behaviors or attitudes creates duplicity and invites darkness and shadows.

Duplicity confuses and muddies my positive and affirming metamessage.

- I John 1:5-7 – “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

- As we see in Adam and Eve’s example, sin shuts down part or all of our relational circuits so that we “hide” from our Beloved. (Genesis 3:8).

Pop Music Example of a Couple with Closed / Inhibited Relationship Circuits…

“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” (Neil Diamond)

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me

Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well, you just roll over
And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
Even learned how to lie

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

Well, you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore…

If our relationship circuits are shut down or inhibited, it is much easier for our spouse to go into “Enemy Mode.”

ENEMY MODE = “Your not on my side. You’re not FOR me.”

· Maybe because of inattention

· Maybe because of insensitivity

· Maybe because of controlling or manipulative behavors

(More on this in our next Class)

Evidence the circuitry is closed (Joy Switch = “Off”) includes:

- Resentment

- Defensiveness

- Argumentativeness

- Aggression (active or passive)

- Squinting eyes, tense muscles, truncated speech

- Avoidance

Conclusion / Review

We all have times when our relationship circuits are open and times when they are closed or impaired.

- Some things enhance (OPEN) our Relationship Circuits to our mate, while other things impair or shut down (CLOSE) them.

- Understanding Relationship Circuitry can make our attempts to communicate more EFFECTIVE and less INEFFECTIVE.

COMMUNICATION EXERCISE #1 – Follow My Hand Lead

Week 3

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – April – May 2026

Week Three: The Joy Switch and Enemy Mode

THE BRAIN’S RELATIONAL CIRCUITS

Human Beings are made in the image of God who IS HIMSELF a relationship (Father, Son, Holy Spirit).

Is it any wonder, then, that we crave connection and relationship with others – but not just ANY others – but, most especially, with people who are “glad to be with me”.

Therefore, as our Master Designer, The Lord has equipped us with relational circuitry that is not only spiritual but also neurological and social.

When our relational circuitry is “open”, it:

· Enhancesconnection with those who we experience as “glad to be with us”.

Psalm 133 – The Oil of Joy (Psalm 61:3) dripping down when “brethren dwell together in unity” (when they are “glad to be with” one another. It is “lifegiving” – (v.3)

And, in the case of the mother of Rufus, he greets her as someone who is “like a mother to me also”.

THEREFORE…

** Circuit OPENERS

Speaking or writing our affections, regards, and respect for our spouse.

Examples of Affectionate Greetings in the New Testament:

Speaking Affectionately and Appreciatively of Our Warm Connection (expressing it clearly in word or writing).

Phil. 1:3 – “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

2 Tim. 1:4 – “I long to see you that I may be filled with joy.”

Rom. 1:11, 12 – “I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.”

- One of the “superpowers” Robin and I share in our marriage is the way we say out loud “I love you” and “thank you” – often several times a day – most every day.

Physical Touch and Affection – Such as a Friendly Kiss and / or Appropriate Embrace

2 Cor. 13:12 – “Greet one another with a holy (chaste and nonerotic) kiss.”

· Specific Celebration and Honor of My Spouse

Rom. 12:10 – "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

I Thess. 5:11 – “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Rom. 14:19 – “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”

Romans 16 – includes honoring statements such as how they “worked very hard”, were “faithful”, or are “my dear friend”,

· Hospitality (Making the Environment Send an “I’m glad to be with you” message).

- Sharing a Meal

Acts 2:42 – “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.”

- Sharing “Refreshment”

Song of Solomon 2:5 – “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.”

- Elevating each other’s well-being in practical and spiritual ways:

Romans 15:2 - “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”

· Gifts

- A Well-timed, Thoughtful Gift

Proverbs 18:16 - “A gift opens the way and ushers the giver into the presence of the great.”

EVIDENCE of OPEN CIRCUITS

This evidence that this circuitry is open (Joy Switch = “On”) includes:

- Joy (“In His presence there is fullness of joy…” Psalm 16:11)

- Rest (“Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls” – Matt. 11:29).

I Corinthians 13…

- Vulnerability (“It is not proud…”)

- Trust (“It does not envy, it does not boast...”)

- Receptivity(Give-and-Take)

- Appreciation (“Rejoices with the truth…”)

- Servant Attitude (“It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…”)

- Generosity(Kindness) “Love is patient, love is kind…”

Physical:

- Eye contact

- Sexual Intimacy

Pop Music Example of a Couple with Open Relational Circuits

“Thank You for Being a Friend” – Andrew Gold

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant

I'm not ashamed to say
I hope it always will stay this way
My hat is off
Won't you stand up and take a bow

And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would see
The biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say
"Thank you for being a friend."

And when we both get older
With walking canes and hair of gray
Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear
I will stand real close and say
Thank you for being a friend!

* * * * * (Break)

**INHIBITORS / CLOSERS

Some behaviors, practices, and attitudes promote open relational circuitry while others inhibit connection by CLOSING them. Let’s look at some of these.

Aggression (Emotional or Physical)

Aggressive attitudes and behaviors towards our spouse are INEFFECTIVE, ABUSIVE, and INAPPROPRIATE communication behaviors.

- They will trigger their “fight / flight / freeze” self-protection instincts.

- They may revive previous experiences of threat or trauma

- They are incongruent with God’s Word –

Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Stonewalling / Withholding / Stinginess

Stonewalling is a signal of a marriage in crisis.

- Ephesians 4:15 – “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”

- Col. 4:6 – “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Hidden or Open Sin

Whether open or hidden, my commitment to maintaining sinful behaviors or attitudes creates duplicity and invites darkness and shadows.

Duplicity confuses and muddies my positive and affirming metamessage.

- As we see in Adam and Eve’s example, sin shuts down part or all of our relational circuits so that we “hide” from our Beloved. (Genesis 3:8).

Pop Music Example of a Couple with Closed / Inhibited Relationship Circuits…

“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” (Neil Diamond)

You don't bring me flowers
You don't sing me love songs
You hardly talk to me anymore
When you come through the door
At the end of the day

I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me

Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well, you just roll over
And you turn out the light

You don't bring me flowers anymore

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But 'used to be's' don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
'Til we sweep them away

And baby, I remember
All the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh
And I learned how to cry
Well I learned how to love
Even learned how to lie

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore

Well, you'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye
'Cause you don't bring me flowers
Anymore…

If our relationship circuits are shut down or inhibited, it is much easier for our spouse to go into “Enemy Mode.”

ENEMY MODE = “Your not on my side. You’re not FOR me.”

· Maybe because of inattention

· Maybe because of insensitivity

· Maybe because of controlling or manipulative behavors

(More on this in our next Class)

Evidence the circuitry is closed (Joy Switch = “Off”) includes:

- Resentment

- Defensiveness

- Argumentativeness

- Aggression (active or passive)

- Squinting eyes, tense muscles, truncated speech

- Avoidance

Conclusion / Review

We all have times when our relationship circuits are open and times when they are closed or impaired.

- Some things enhance (OPEN) our Relationship Circuits to our mate, while other things impair or shut down (CLOSE) them.

- Understanding Relationship Circuitry can make our attempts to communicate more EFFECTIVE and less INEFFECTIVE.

COMMUNICATION EXERCISE #1 – Follow My Hand Lead

Transform Your Life with Bill Faris Christian Counseling

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – April – May 2026

Week Four Theme: Protecting Your Connecting

Review:

Week 1 – We established some expectations, including that our focus was going to be EFFECTIVE marital communication vs INEFFECTIVE marital communication. We pointed out that one measure of EFFECTIVE communication is that it creates a connection between husband and wife.

We emphasized that NO couple practices effective communication all the time and that our goal was to identify and engage some of the SKILLS that increase the amount of effective communication and decrease the amount of ineffective communication between partners.

Finally, we catalogued some of the key traits of EFFECTIVE communication as “Shalom Skills” and then spelled out these skills using the first letters in the Hebrew word for “peace” – SHALOM.

Week 2 – In this session, we introduced the idea of your “Meta” message – the “message” you spouse gets from you (in the Big Picture sense) as compared to the messages we think we are sending. One example we used to cite a Metamessage was the example of comedian Jay Leno and his dedication to his wife in the season of her advancing memory loss. The Metamessage he is sending is devotion, care, and (as he put it) “I enjoy taking care of her”.

We referred to the Metamessage we position ourselves to send in our Marriage Vows – messages of respect, exclusivity, devotion, sharing, and 3

enduring love. We then observed that these kinds of Metamessages (“I’m here for you, you’re safe with me, I’m ALL IN”) become tested by life and that these messages can be degraded or changed over time. The culprit, we said, was “creeping separateness” – the slow drift apart that many couples recognize as the precedent to marital dissatisfaction and crisis.

We then introduced the “Five Levels of Communication” as a template for what it looks like to reverse Creeping Separateness and “go deeper” by sharing opinions / beliefs, feelings, and intimate and very vulnerable communication. This helps us to understand why “going deeper” down the five levels is important and why our skills need to continue to develop.

Week 3 – In our third class, we introduced the idea of relationship circuits and how the God who IS a relationship (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) made

us FOR relationship with Himself and one another. This set us up to begin to explore two concepts of relationship circuitry: The “Joy Switch” and “Enemy Mode”.

We then made the case that EFFECTIVE communication OPENS the relationship circuits and “flips The Joy Switch”. The Joy Switch is flipped when I get the message from someone that they are “glad to be with me” and when I am glad to be with them.

We then identified a series of Circuit Openers – practices and behaviors that OPEN the relationship circuitry between marriage partners. These include speaking affectionately, warmly, and appreciatively of our spouse, physical touch and affection, openly celebrating and honoring our spouse, hospitality and gifts (see: The Five Love Languages). We looked at evidence that the circuits are open such as Joy, Rest, Vulnerability, and so on – many of these based upon the description of the traits of Agape love found in I Corinthians 13.

Before moving on to the other category, Circuit “Closers”, we reviewed the song lyrics to “Thank You for Being a Friend” by Andrew Gold as a poetic expression of open circuits and the Joy Switch

Circuit Closers included: aggression / abuse, stonewalling, withholding, hidden or open sin, and so on. We then reviewed the lyrics to the popular song “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” by Neil Diamond as an example of a poetic expression of a heart that is grieving the closed circuits in the relationship they share with their partner.

Finally, we introduced the concept of Enemy Mode – the way the brain interprets the behaviors or attitudes of our spouse as “you’re not for me” or “you’re not on my side – you’re against me”. We noted the three modalities of Enemy Mode – Simple, or Mild; “Stupid”; and “Strategic” Enemy modes.

To close the evening, we asked for a volunteer couple to assist me in demonstrating the “Follow My Hand” connecting technique I sometime utilize in my counseling with couples.

* * * * * *

Tonight (Class Four) – Let’s pick up where we left off by understanding “Enemy Mode” a little better and then continue to review ways and means to Protect Our Connecting by learning about the Four Ways to Address Conflict and the Four C’s of Communication / Conflict Resolution.

UNDERSTANDING AND ESCAPING ENEMY MODE

“Enemy Mode” is a term I learned from author Jim Wilder whose 2022 book, Escaping Enemy Mode: How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us raised

awareness in the Christian community about this phenomenon.

Wilder describes three versions of Enemy Mode in his approach.

1. “Simple” Enemy Mode – such as when my spouse interrupts me with a request while I’m already involved in something else I’m doing.

2. “Stupid” Enemy Mode – such as when I retaliate in the moment or “get stupid” with anger and frustration by lashing out or otherwise get carried away.

3. “Intelligent” (or “Strategic”) Enemy Mode – such as when I calculate how to make my spouse pay for their disloyalty, etc. over time and with intentionality.

ALL FORMS OF MARITAL “ENEMY MODE” TRACE BACK TO ONE ROOT: THE IMPRESSION (momentary) – OR THE CONVICTION (forged over time) – THAT MY SPOUSE IS NOT “FOR ME”, NOT ON MY SIDE, NOT TAKING WHAT I NEED OR WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME/US INTO CONSIDERATION.

Shut Down

When my brain flips to Enemy Mode, it highly impairs or shuts down my relationship circuits. I become resistant, closed off, suspicious, protective, argumentative, judgmental, and unavailable – at least for a moment or two, and – possibly – much, much longer. This can change, but it will take both of us working together to overcome Enemy Mode once I’ve gone into it.

So, how do we overcome or reverse the modality of Enemy Mode?

· Milder Forms –

- Recognize that you have (subconsciously) flipped into seeing your spouse as “not for me” (inconsiderate, demanding, etc) and test against reality. For example: was my spouse intentionally interfering with my work project by asking where the car keys are? Or did they just realize they need to pick up Tommy from baseball practice pronto and they need the keys to do so?

- Be willing to say “sorry”, as in: “Sorry I was so short with you. I think I flipped into Enemy Mode and you didn’t deserve it”.

- Try employing empathy and perspective to be generous with your spouse’s behavior. Baseball example: Ohtani dialing down Padres

Ohtani Video Clip https://www.youtube.com/shorts/aOQNsj-cG8s

· Stronger Forms –

- To overcome stronger Enemy Mode situations will require more processing, humility, confession, and reconciliation before relationship circuits can reopen.

To assist with this, I recommend the “Four Cs” of Confrontation:

* * * * * BREAK * * * *

Four Cs of Confrontation (Marriage Partner Style) –

1. Compliment (Affirm)

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels. Gentle words cause life and health; griping brings discouragement.” (Prov. 15:1, 4)

Began by naming the value of your spouse and your marriage. “I love you and want us to get back on track together as soon as possible. Thank you for listening and talking. Thank you for showing me that you also value our trust and connection.”

2. Confess

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:10)

Own any part you may have played in the breakdown or conflict. Be sincere. Even if you think it is not the centerpiece of the issue, take responsibility for your shortcomings. “I know I don’t always follow through on things I promise I will do. I’m sorry for how that sets you up to be frustrated with me.”

3. Confront

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” – (Proverbs 27:5-6)

Call your spouse’s attention to the issue via “me/I” statements as opposed

to “you” statements:

Example:

Effective: “I get so anxious about late charges and unpaid bills. Can you

help me by being more on top of things?”

Ineffective: “You are so bad at money management. Do you have a plan to start paying bills on time or not?”

4. Commit

“Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be [courteous; 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.” (I Peter 3:8,9)

Speak out your commitment to doing better, being better, elevating your partnership and predicting the good fruit improvements will bring. “Thanks for hearing me out. I believe in our capacity to make things better if we join forces. I’ll do my part – because I love you and I trust you feel the same.”

Four Ways to Resolve a Conflict as a Couple –

INNEFECTIVE =

1. I Win – YOU Lose (Dominate) Lack of respect for the other

2. YOU Win – I Lose (Doormat) Lack of respect for yourself

EFFECTIVE =

3. I Win-Lose – YOU Win-Lose (Compromise – in the “good” sense). Both self-respecting AND other-respecting.

4. I Win – YOU Win (Win-Win = Resolve) Both self-respecting and other-respecting

'THE “THREE-LEGGED STOOL OF HONOR”

1. Honor The Lord

2. Honor Your Spouse

3. Honor Your Self

Closing Exercise: “What I Want For Me, You, Us” …

Empowering You to Achieve Happiness

Refuge Marriage Communication Class – April – May 2026

Week Five Theme: Mapping and Warm Emotional Memories

Introduction:

According to the Gottman Institute, we build – and update – internal “maps” of our spouse. These cover everything from the trivial (their favorite color) to the vital (what would humiliate them).

The Lord Knows Us

Psalm 139 reminds us that the Lord has a “map” of each of us – that he know us deeply and intimately.

It’s not surprise, then, that He has equipped us to build internal maps of one another.

“You have searched me, Lord,
   and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
   you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

“MAP” EXERCISE

1. When you first got to know your spouse…

What was their favorite dessert (bonus points – if ice cream – what ice cream flavor was their fave?).

Was it important to them that you pray out loud together?

Were they open to spontaneous surprises or would they rather plan ahead?

What personal obstacle were they seeking to overcome (family trouble, a job loss, health issue, spiritual crisis, etc)?

- Pick one of the above.

- How did you learn that about them at the time?

2. These Days…

- Name one way their tastes have changed since your “early days”.

- Name one way your spouse would say you are different now than you were in the “early days”.

3. Agree / Disagree: “I’m up-to-date” on my spouse’s attitudes, beliefs, and values when it comes to…

Use this key for each:

1= not too confident I’m up-to-date.

2= reasonably confident I’m up-to-date

3= very confident I’m up-to-date

· Saving and spending money -

· Serving the Lord -

· Raising children -

· What they dream about or aspire to –

Here is a sample from the 60 question Love Map Game you can play withyour spouse as found here:

https://content.randomhouse.com/assets/9781101902912/view.php?id=mmw003

Instructions:

Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you'll learn about the love maps concept and how to apply it to your relationship.

Scoring: The points for each prompt appear at the end of the sentence. If

your spouse answers correctly (you decide), they get the point value of the prompt and you get one point, also. If they answer incorrectly, neither partner receives any points.

I. Name my two closest friends. (2)

2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)

3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)

5. Where was I born? (I)

6. What stresses am I facing right now? (4)

7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8. When is my birthday? (I)

9. What is the date of our anniversary? (I)

I0. Who is my favorite relative? (2)

11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)

12. What is my favorite website? (2)

VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Tf3Blq7LM&list=RDn_Tf3Blq7LM&start_radio=1 Maurice Chevalier –

“Yes, I Remember it Well” (with lyrics)

WHY LOVE MAPS MATTER:

“OUTDATED” MAPS LEAD TO MISUNDERSTANDING, CONFUSION, AND CONFLICTS

UPDATED MAPS INCREASE CONNECTION, REDUCE CONFUSION, AND HELP US TO BETTER NAVIGATE CONFLICTS

** The deeper we go, the better our maps!

How can I build / update my internal map of my spouse?

· Play – We must not overlook the fact that one of the most effective ways to build / update our relationship map of our spouse is through sharing in things we both enjoy. “Play Together”

· Pray – Praying with my spouse raises our shared awareness of those things we both consider to be spiritually and personally important.

· Stay – The longer we share life together, the more I learn about the interests, limitations, and potential of my partner.

· Say – By debriefing conflicts, sharing hopes and dreams of the future, and engaging in other discussions, I can update my understanding of my spouse’s values, faith, struggles, and interests.

*** Exercise: “What I Want for Me – You – Us”…

“When it comes to… __________, What I want for me is…

* * *BREAK

Sexual Intimacy as Deeper Communication

Many couples regard their sexual intimacy as an emotional, spiritual, and physical communion. Ideally, here are some of the messages a couple’s sexual intimacy communicates.

“You are safe with me.”

“I delight in you.”

“I’m here for you – aware of you – and happy to focus on you.”

“Nobody knows you like I do.”

“I trust you.”

“Desire for you excites me.”

And so on…

Relationship Circuits “On”:

“I’m glad to be with you in this intimate way.”

Relationship Circuits “Off” (or impaired):

Enemy Mode = “You’re not for me. You’re not on my side. You’re not paying attention.”

What “Opens” Relationship Circuits, Sexually (Song of Songs)

· Affirmation – 1:15 - How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves.

· Tenderness – 2:6 - His left arm is under my head,
and his right arm embraces me.

· Desire for my Spouse – 3:1 - All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;

· Patience – 3:5 – Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

· Privacy and Exclusivity – 8:6 --Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

· Lightheartedness – 2:15 - Show me your face, let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.

· Hygiene – 4:6 -- Who is this coming up from the wilderness
like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and incense
made from all the spices of the merchant?

What “Closes” or Impairs Relationship Circuits, Sexually

· Impatience

· Demanding Attitudes

· Criticism

· Past Hurts or Associations

· Indifference

· Comparison

· Insecurity

· Lack of Privacy

The Sacred Nature of Our Human Body – I Corinthians 6:19-20

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Your body, and your spouse’s body, is an emblem of the spiritual kingdom that fills it.

- Celebrate it

- Respect it

- Build up one another by employing it

* * * * Closing Exercise